Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
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Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.