Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
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Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”