Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

This is hilarious….

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

ugh not again

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

My text: Have a good day at school!

My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)