Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

fr

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

this article brought to you by lions

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.