Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

#ThisMakesMeLaugh

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.