Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
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Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.