Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
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Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
