Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

the world’s most popular steaming services

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!

Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!

Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.