Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

on my driver’s license I look like a hobo

in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes

the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool