Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”

Life: “That’ll be $200.”

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

Whoops

me linking you to my twitter

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline