me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
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Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
🐕🍷
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*