Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
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STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Come back with a warrant
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Great game to play with friends
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
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ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.