Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

On the surface: cool as a cucumber…

On the inside: squirrel in traffic…

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

“We ride at dawn”

Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻‍♀️

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

Huge, if true.

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.