Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.