Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
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“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.