Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

Did…did a minotaur write this

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.