Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

new year update: losing everything but weight

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.