Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!

Me: Well, can’t we send them this?

Parents: Go to your room.

Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial