Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃

Cop: where were you on October 4th 1973 at 6:48PM?
Me: I was sitting in my living room recliner
Cop: how could you…
Wife: Trust me. He’s always there.

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

You might just have to resign…

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.