Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
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We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
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Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
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I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.