Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– Are you upset?

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

– No.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.