Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
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I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm