Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.