ME (calling my horse with no name):
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I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
half of twitter is horny, half is depressed and the other half don’t know how to do math
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
mood
