ME (calling my horse with no name):
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The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
But is it really??
I need to update my racial profile.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*