Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
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Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I put the p in pants.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.