Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!

“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

set yourself free xox

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”

– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day

*me

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.