[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
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Humans pretend to be smart but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we’re suddenly gonna have x-ray vision
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Will you have sex with me?
Okay, like, I don’t speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.
Pull my hair!
No! Just the grey ones.
The sampler tester at the liquor store told me to stop coming back every hour in a disguise.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.