Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
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me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.