Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

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[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.


Humans pretend to be smart but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we’re suddenly gonna have x-ray vision


How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV


Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”


[in Paris]

Will you have sex with me?

“No monsieur.”

Okay, like, I don’t speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.


The sampler tester at the liquor store told me to stop coming back every hour in a disguise.


(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?


*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.