Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?

“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

😂

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

What’s this sorcery? 😂

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast