Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thaw me like one of your french fries

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

Why you on this flight to LA?

“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”

What’s it called?

“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you