Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

eggs benadryl

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!

Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!

Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!

Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.