Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
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[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔