Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
