Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
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[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
don’t be scared
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.