me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
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It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Feel. He’s so soft.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”