me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
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Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.