Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

Me irl

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.