Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
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How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I like crazy people until they notice me
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
12. I think about this all the damn time
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.