Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

[at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

I can’t stop watching this.

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.