Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are