Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
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Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
A comic by Dan Piraro
