@rebrafsim

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

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@tastefactory

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

@jgreg7707

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

@Prero22

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

@Mr_Kapowski

“Will you marry me?”

“The cookie was poison”

“The lotto numbers will never win”

Examples of why I got fired from writing fortune cookies

@AmishPornStar1

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

@Tommytoughstuff

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

@imence2

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.

@ryanbroems

*leaves church*

*sees McChicken video*

*goes back to church*

@JllyJllyFish

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.