Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
You Might Also Like
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
These are my roll models.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.