Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
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buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.