Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

fixed it

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work

If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.

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