ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
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[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
SPLOOT
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.