Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.

turns out he just wanted apple sauce

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

Quadruple digit IQ

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.