me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
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*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Sir!!
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn