me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
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My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
Me trying to “trust the process”
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
How it started How it’s going
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry