Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.