Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.

playing pool? you mean swimming?

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue