Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

The two types of wives

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.

…The end.

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”

ME: “Yes”

GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”

ME: “YES”

GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”

ME: “I’m out”

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes