Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?

Me: they’re articles of clothing

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

What’s the point buying it then?

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.