Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
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Hot singles are here to kill you!