Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

I cannot call her anything else now

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

He died doing what he loved: being alive

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.