Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”