Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

(grounding my kid) go outside.

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.