Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.

Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

Who knew!

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?