me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
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I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.