me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
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Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Sharon, call the vet
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.