me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
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“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon