me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
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Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
where the womens at?
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
