me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
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If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
i want it utterly assaulted.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse