Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

I didn’t come here to be called names

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

me: hey how much for the dinosaur

guide: that’s a giraffe

me: how much

guide: the animals aren’t for sale

me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much

guide: those are trees

me: [sighs] how much

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn