me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
You Might Also Like
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.