Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.

me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

WHY would you be happy about this?

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.