Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

The glockness monster

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*