Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

me: my friends:

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

Sounds like a bargain

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.