@theguydf

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

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@TheTweetOfGod

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

@drayzze

I’m not superstitious.

But if you’re wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete I’ll be bothered.

#FridayThe13th

@ibid78

*interrupts your baby’s first words*
“IF A PANDA WEARS A HANDKERCHIEF IT’S CALLED A PANDANA.”

@WilliamAder

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

@andylassner

So proud watching my son fight invisible monsters in the outfield while the ball rolls right past him.

@Mom_Overboard

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

@_ElvishPresley_

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

@abbycohenwl

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

@funnybeachgirl

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

@SnizzleFrizzle

12: “Why don’t girls like playing dodgeball?”

Because we don’t like getting hit by balls.

12: *giggles for 5 minutes*

You are so my child