Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
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[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?