Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
You Might Also Like
I’m not superstitious.
But if you’re wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete I’ll be bothered.
*interrupts your baby’s first words*
“IF A PANDA WEARS A HANDKERCHIEF IT’S CALLED A PANDANA.”
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
So proud watching my son fight invisible monsters in the outfield while the ball rolls right past him.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
(I’m not deleting this)
12: “Why don’t girls like playing dodgeball?”
Because we don’t like getting hit by balls.
12: *giggles for 5 minutes*
You are so my child