Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street