Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
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I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”